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the only gay on the ranch The Oscars are about to begin, and Mrs Pete is watching the red-carpet build up as we speak. I, on the other hand, am preparing a roast dinner. The spuds have just gone in (with Dick Cheney's face rubbed off), and no I didn't ask who they were wearing. But the buzz in Hollywood is all about Brokeback Mountain, the 'Gay Cowboy Movie', which, predictably, has been causing controversy among certain Christian Homophobic Americans. Word is that there's a fairly vocal crowd on Hollywood Boulevard protesting the film, because of course nobody believes cowboys could possibly be gay. It's ridiculous. Funny thing is, in Britain if you walk around wearing a cowboy hat, people just assume you are gay. Over here, people do actually wear them - you see quite a few on Walmart shoppers, funny enough - and nobody thinks anything of it. To the protestors, I think they feel that associating homosexuality with cowboys attacks the macho image of rural America. That's the America whose trucks have to be massive, who swig beer while huntin' quail with big rifles, who vote in cretinous smirking idiots to govern the rest of us. And I will bet that those same people vociferously protesting the film have, like the anti-cartoon, anti-Danish protesters across the Muslim world, have never even seen Brokeback Mountain. I gotta say though, I don't care who wins any of the Oscars. Pete is sadly indifferent. If Star Wars was up, maybe I'd get more excited. For Mrs Pete, on the other hand, this is like the World Cup - she absolutely loves it! It has just kicked off, with host Jon Stewart delivering his opening banter (and a funny montage proving that most cowboy movies have been fairly gay). Faces litter the crowd, old, young and just new, if you know what I mean. Anyway I gotta go; I only have a minute and a half to write this blog entry... |
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6.3.06 01:12 |
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dear george
Did you see the Oscars, George? Ain’t ya glad that the Gay Cowboy Movie didn’t win? That ain’t what cowboyin’s all about, is it! You’d know a thing or two about cowboyin’, wouldn’t you George, a good ol’ Texan boy like yourself. In fact, I’ll bet that when your successor at the White House takes over (following your resignation/impeachment/being shot in the face by Dick Cheney), they (ie, Hillary) will be looking around, breathing in and muttering to the American public, “dear oh dear, you’ve had the cowboys in here, love.” ffice You will be long remembered, though, and now you have an infamous quote that people will be repeating for years to come. No, I’m not talking about one of your grammatical goofs or whacky wordplays (I’m not going to wage the War on Error just yet, George). No, your legacy will be the words you declared so earnestly in the aftermath of Katrina: I don’t think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees. I mean, George, that’s up there with I did not have sexual relations with that woman! You outta be proud. They’ll be replaying that one for years. You should make so much money in royalties! Perhaps you could release little dolls of yourself that say it when you pull a string. If the people of ffice:smarttags" /> The thing is, people actually did anticipate a breach in the levees. AND they told you about it, days before Katrina’s landfall. AND they even made a video of themselves telling you, a video which has just come to light this past week. I have to admit, George, it doesn’t look good, but I’m sure this won’t bring you down. Nothing seems to be able to bring you down, does it?! Hell, you could shoot somebody in the face and get away with it (just ask Dick)! You could admit to holding private parties with Gary Glitter, and still be in the Oval Office, smirking away, without a care in the world. Of course, if it were Billy who’d made these gaffs, you and your pack of slobbering wolves would have hunted him down like a quail. Well, maybe just the wolves; you’d be off playing golf somewhere. I had a dream about you last night George, I’m ashamed to say. You were in a room of people, acting like a chimp, giggling and generally goofing about. I was there, and even I had to admit, you were very funny, an excellent clown, you should get an agent to book you for children’s parties (just don’t invite Gary Glitter). The thing is, should a clown be really running the country? Should a clown be in charge of the world? And so, in this dream, I called you a nob. You argued back, smirking childishly, saying that you were the Pres’dent, that you had many hard decisions to make, many sacrifices to consider, many problems to find solutions to. I had no argument. So what, I replied, you are still a nob. The rest of the dream was spent running away from your sinister, sunglass-wearing agents, who I’m proud to say never caught me. What do you dream about, George? Are you chased by animated corpses rising from the murky waters of It’ll all come out in the whitewash, as they say. Your good friend Pete |
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6.3.06 06:28 |
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ffice" />|
Week Twenty-Three: Bye bye, Baby Today, the Governor of South Dakota (just east of 'where was that, now?') signed the bill that banned abortion in the state. It is hoped by many right-wing pro-lifers that this will trigger a much larger, country-wide campaign that will end in Washington DC at the steps of the Supreme Court. It is believed that other states will follow South Dakota's lead (heaven help us), and ultimately force a reversal of Roe vs Wade, the landmark 1973 case that saw abortion made legal in the US. Many think the movement will run out of steam before it gets that far, but they underestimate the religious right, and the fact that a certain Sammy Alito now sits at the head of that very Supreme Court, and he certainly believes that this particular law is 'not settled'. Well, it's only South Dakota, I hear you say. If a Dakotan girl gets herself up the duff, all she has to do is pop across the border into abortion-friendly North Dakota and bob's yer uncle, or whatever phrase is appropriate. The thing is, it's not that easy, is it. What if this girl cannot afford the bus fare? What if she can't take a few days off working at WalMart to go to Nebraska? There are lots of scenarios, far worse than this, that point to one thing - once more, it's the poor that suffer. Not to mention the woman's right of choice being taken away by zealous righteous men. I'm not going to debate the finer points of abortion here; I'm pro-choice where abortion is concerned, and we all know that it is far better that abortions are performed legally by doctors rather than by back-street Vera Drakes on kitchen tables. It may be challenged in court, but rich and powerful right-wing groups have already pledged millions to fight the pro-life cause in the courtroom. I just want to ask this: why do the neo-Con religious right want so many unwanted babies born into poverty? What do they gain from it, other than an endless factory line of WalMart employees busting their guts for a dime a day, more pimple-faced brats to pack their groceries for them? I'll tell you what they get - they get people who are faced with no other choice than to join the Army, wave the flag, and end up dead on the side of a road in Baghdad or Kabul. We've all seen that bit in Fahreneit 9/11, where the Army recruiters press-gang directionless kids at the mall into joining up, and I've seen them out and about here, too, on the university campus, going after the kids with direction (but offering to pay for their fees). even today, universities were told that they can no longer prevent the recruiters from coming onto campus with their sign-up sheets. They can complain, but it will fall upon deaf ears, or at least the ears of those who determine your funding budgets. Now I am aware that joining the Army can be a noble thing, but when you see how the military target poor people to become their statistics, and when you see how corrupt governments abuse patriotism to send these same youngsters into wars based on lies and hidden corporate agendas, without sufficient equipment, you start to get a sick feeling in your stomach. they don't like gays because...they cannot produce potential soldiers. They don't like abortion because...it prevents potential soldiers form being born. They don't like contraception because...it prevents potential soldiers from being conceived (States such as Ohio and Utah have been making it difficult for people to obtain contraceptives). It's all about keeping the little tin soldiers churning out, and into the body-bags so that some greedy politician and his filthy-rich backers can cling onto power long enough to ensure that generations more remain in the poverty trap, thinking themselves lucky they live in a land where their leaders allow this to happen to them. And if you end up in jail, those same rabid zealots are the ones watching you suffer in paralysis during lethal injection, and gloat at your death. Which brings this anger-tinted blog entry to a long-awaited conclusion - how come the people who say they are pro-life are actually the ones who are the most pro-death? |
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7.3.06 04:52 |
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strange messages on chicken burger receipts I just got some lunch from Carl's Jr (possibly my favourite fastfooderia), and at the bottom of my receipt it says, in big letters, "IF IT DOESN'T GET ALL OVER THE PLACE, IT DOESN'T BELONG IN YOUR FACE". What?
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10.3.06 20:32 |
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blowin' in the wind Pissed down with rain today. Well it wouldn't piss down with anything else, would it (except piss, maybe - then there really would be a gold rush in California). They've been in 'storm watch' here again, sending the weather-men into fits of mania - those guys speak so fast they should be commentating horse-races. But a few days ago, the weather did get particularly exciting - in Sacramento, they spotted a funnel cloud. Not a full-blown tornado, mind, like the ones which are currently causing chaos elsewhere in the US, but enough of one to get everybody excited. People went into the street to go and watch it, apparently, ignoring the danger that they might be swept off to Munchkinland. I, sadly, saw no such thing. I'm yet to see a twister - I know I probably shouldn't want to see one, but I've been fascinated by them since I was a little boy. The sheer force of wild nature, an elemental giant marauding across the landscape, caring little for the puny humans in its path. Gotta respect that. And stay out of its way, of course. |
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13.3.06 03:54 |
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give up your day job Didn't Noel Gallagher always say that he'd never let an Oasis song be used in a TV commercial? I know for a fact he said it fairly recently in a magazine interview I read while standing in Borders. Well, every day here on American TV the AT&T ('formerly SBC') adverts play the chorus from "All Around the World", preceded by a bit of Mobyesque chordage (as opposed to Liam's growl about "the lies you make me say", which could as easily be the preferred anthem of Scott McLellan of the White House). Being the signature tune from an album Noel has long discarded, I suppose you could say he thought, "sod it, I don't care, my bloody song, Americans don't care anyway." An interestingly similar sentiment about 'selling out' has been expressed by former Boo Radley Martin Carr over on his bravecaptain blog, where he's decided that he can't afford to have principles any more, and will let the telly use that Wake Up Boo song if they want. Fair play, mister Carr. It was after all a rare jaunt into commercialism, you may as well make some dosh off of it - that's what they're for, to keep you in teabags when it rains. Like when the Sex Pistols re-formed, and people would say, oh it's all for the money, it's silly...well, yeah, and? They didn't get much from it back in the day - and they were supposed to be in it for the dosh, after all - may as well make a few bob to see you into your old age. It's not like the whole Spice Girls marketing thing after all, being on every can of Pepsi or packet of Tampax. I'll probably have a completely different opinion on this in five minutes. Is that selling out? Probably. But I aint gonna make any money out of it. |
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13.3.06 05:43 |
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any storm in a port I guess you may have heard about that US Government deal that caused unending controversy here (let's be fair, which deal involving the President doesn't?), whereby firms from the United Arab (or 'Airb') Emirates were to take over control of several major American ports, including New York. "Bush has gone too far this time," people screamed in anger. "Not only letting foreigners run our ports, but the UAE?? Weren't some of the 9/11 terrorists from the UAE? Oh my God!" On the face of it, this has National Security disaster written all over it. It looked like another Bush crime family sop to the oil-rich Arabs who own much of America's debt. Never mind that the ports were run by foreign firms anyway, of course - it's the Brits, P&O, oh they're alright (they weren't saying that two hundred years ago). Republicans and Democrats were up in arms, and were determined to stop Bush and Cheney getting their way for their cronies. And Bush protested, oh he protested, telling the people he was going to do what he wants, and that the Dubai firm posed no danger to security (he's such an expert judge of character, after all, having rubbed shoulders and swapped Ferrero Rochers with Bin Ladens for years). And then the UAE firm decides to pull out of the deal, claiming it was not worth the trouble. Dubya was humiliated. Well according to a report on Fox News (those paragons of truth and virtue) (as reported on thinkprogress.org) now it appears that, despite all the tough talk, it was the White House who actually backed down first and called the firm to request they pull out. Oh really? Really?! That was convenient. And very convenient they announce it now, to make themselves look like the good guys, to make it look as though they listened to the concerns of Congress and acted in their interest, unselfishly, all the while arrogantly threatening to do what they want. Liars. Liars. Liars. Asbestos underwear necessary. The UAE firm pulling out left Bush with so much egg on his face that if he drank a glass of milk he'd turn into an omelette. Well, the yolk's on you, George - don't try to take credit for it now. |
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13.3.06 20:58 |
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Week Twenty-Four: Eight Legs, Two Fangs and a Change of Underwear My name is Pete Scully, and I am an Arachnophobe. Snakes, rats, ghosts - none of them scare me, but spiders... they are my great weakness. I knew when I came out to California that this was Black Widow country, and I have feared the Widow since I was very small, but now I have a new venomous arachnid to fear - the Brown Recluse. So far, I have encountered neither. Thankfully. I am always on the lokout, and the other night I got a fright - I was on my way to bed, I didn't have my glasses on, I lifted up the pillow, and this little brown spider ran around in circles before vanishing behind the bed. I tell you, trying to go to sleep that night, trying to ignore the possibility of a little eight-legged freak crawling across my face, that was a task little short of Herculean. In fact it was Poirotian. I am fascinated by spiders. When I was a schoolboy, other children would pretend they had spiders in their hands just to see my reaction. Just seeing a photograph of one makes my spine feel like Tornado Alley. California's Central Valley has just those two dangerous spiders, I'm told, but in some abundance. It is because it gets so darned hot here. I've done a little research on my enemies lately, and wow that Brown Recluse does not sound like a friendly old eater of flies. When it bites, it does not poison you in the same way that the Widow does, but leaves behind a flesh-eating bacteria that slowly deteriorates whatever it has bitten. Check out this nasty set of images. Can you believe a spider can do that? And how big is this thing, this Brown Recluse? It's TINY!! Less than half an inch long! How are you supposed to know if one is lying in your clothes (as they do), or among your books (as they do), or in your bed (as they do)??? There is more info on them here and here. Even as I write I am in a panic - I'm from Britain, for heaven's sake! We don't have anything that can do you any serious harm there! Our only poisonous snake is the adder, whose bite is more full of sarcasm than venom. So what is my solution, how am I going to learn to live alongside these fanged menaces? A big hammer. It's the best I have come up with. When I finally see one, I want to be ready. |
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14.3.06 21:11 |
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So the voice of the Chef, Isaac 'Shaft' Hayes, is quitting South Park because he is sick of their take on religion - or rather, their take on Scientology. It's a bit late, after all, for him to only now notice that they aren't particularly kind to religious institutions. It's kind of funny timing, because last night's repeated show featured a cult run by David Blaine - the 'Blaintologists' - and of all things, a cartoon version of Mohammed. Yes, our favourite cartoon hero and prophet was depicted in pen (or rather, cut-out paper) as a member of Jesus' band of super-heroes, the 'Best Friends League', who battled Blaine and his animated giant stone Abraham Lincoln. The image of an enormous President Lincoln fighting the prophet Mohammed against a backdrop of a burning Washington DC - with Mohammed trying to save the city - must have slipped by those who took such offense to the (frankly quite poor) Danish cartoons. I'm sure when they find out, mobs all over the Arab world will en masse protest against the infidel America and burn US flags on camera. Oh hang on... they are doing that anyway. Hmmm. |
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15.3.06 07:09 |
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i was looking for a job and then i found a job
A scribble, in my notebook, at work. I was feeling down, and I don't have a window, just a whiteboard on which I can draw pictures of my ideal view. Which, sadly, was just two trees and a cloud. Then I realised - I'm listening to the Smiths. I replaced the CD pretty sharpish with some Devant, which only made me miss my home town. What I can do?! BTW: this is my 200th post on this blog... |
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15.3.06 07:23 |
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