What do the Cardinals do in the conclave? At the time of writing, 115 of them are under lock and key (com clavi, as they say in Latin) in the Sistine Chapel choosing which among them will be the next Pontiff. It is a murky Catholic Chamber of Secrets, a world of ritual and magic that probably amounts to little more than lighting some candles, holding a few sleepy masses, and then some old bloke saying, well I can't do it because I think I might be gay. A little earlier on, black smoke bellowed from the temporary chimney indicating 'no we haven't chosen one yet'. Now many want the Catholic Church to enter the modern age, so why don't we put secret cameras in the Sistine Chapel and have a reality-style TV vote? Big Father. "Would Cardinal Ratzenberger please come to the confession room?" For all we know, this may well be how they do it. But I think that is too simplistic. A good Pontiff must have transferable skills, so how about a karaoke contest? A Pope needs to be able to sing. Undoubtedly this would be called Pope Idol. Maybe they decide by penalty shoot-out? After all, John-Paul II won because he used to be a goalkeeper. This may also be why there hasn't been an English Pope since Adrian IV in the 1100s. One thing is certain though: they have, if rumour is to be believed, already chosen the new name for John-Paul's successor. He will be called George-Ringo.
Episode IV: A New Pope
18.4.05 23:58
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